15.03.09: Before.

“It’s your turn.”

That phrase was echoed over and over in my little crowded mind like a hamster on a running wheel. My stomach was doing back flips, and my heart felt compelled to do the same. I looked around and saw hopeful faces and occasionally I felt a pat on my shoulders.

Wait a minute. What was this fear that I’m feeling?

Suddenly, that single phrase morphed into a series of questions. What if it’s not real? What if it was just another elaborated story? What if what I thought was fiction, is really fiction after all? What kind of a lost fantasy have I gotten myself into? What if things don’t work out?

I felt nauseous. I needed reassurance. I spoke to a close friend, and asked as much as I possibly could without revealing my true intentions.

And then, like a surge of electricity, I found myself walking down memory lane. The times when things were good, the times when things have always worked out – from the years before to just a few hours ago. I came back to the present and was staring at my own two feet.

I must be crazy to be afraid. I’ve always wanted this for so long. Years. And now I’m getting cold feet? Is this how marriage feels like? Not the walking down the aisle part, but the thought of lifelong commitment would scare any normal person away.

But I’m in love. A love that is too real to be ignored.

And that should be enough.

I stepped forward.


15.03.09: During.

Have you ever closed your eyes, just to see a dark void in front of you? When there’s no Imagination running through, nor thoughts, or dreams and memories. Or even a face.

I have.

And that was what I saw too, at first. I reached out my hands, hoping that I might feel or touch something, someone. I kept searching and searching. I was afraid this would happen.

But it wasn’t surprising, really. Being the broken person that I am, the screwed up things I’ve said and done, I was bound to be searching in darkness. Heck, I might even have to be on my knees and beg for just a glimmer of spark. I heard myself utter a few sentences that my ego and pride have been trying to refrain me from saying.

“I’m sorry. I love you. And I want you.”

Silence. I knew it was absolutely noisy outside, but all I heard at that moment was silence.

Like a fade-in postcard, I saw a garden. It looked like any ordinary garden that would fascinate no one including me, but I felt something. A tinge of warmth, and heavy load being lifted off my shoulders.

And then I saw it.

This is where I’m at a lost to describe something in words. But imagine a ball of soft light. It radiates nothing else but joy. And it kept coming closer and closer to me.

I didn’t have to reach it. It just settled in my hand, as though it has finally come home.

I heard a voice. It’s saying something I don’t quite understand. But it was a familiar language. It’s as though I’ve heard it before, and though I couldn’t match each syllable with the vocabulary I know, I knew the underlying intentions beneath the mumbles.

I felt someone leaning close to me, and as strange as it was, I thought I felt vigorous nods from that person. And then I heard someone said, “Oh my goodness, I feel like crying now.”

It was then I realize that the person who was speaking the foreign language was me.


15.03.09: After.



A conflict of emotions, I felt an odd sense of overwhelming happiness, yet at the same time, so unworthy of such blessing. I doubted and questioned. And now I’ve been given the Truth – right to the very bottom of my soul.

No one owed me an explanation.

No one owed me Love.

No one owed me the Truth.

But because I asked, I was given.

And that was enough to bring me to tears.

I think I now know how the prodigal son felt the day he returned home.

Someone handed me a tissue, or two. I opened my eyes and saw smiles on the face of my loved ones. And then one of them shouted, “GROUP HUG!!” I was being suffocated and sandwiched in the midst of loving arms, as though I’ve just won something.

Wait. I did. Victory is in my hands.

I lost the number of times I said “Thank you”, and I was rather amused at how happy the people around me were. They’ve gone through what I did, maybe in a different way, but they understood that joy. I could see it in their faces. They were a reflection of mine.

Just as what one of them told me, “I could sense joy the moment I touched you. It came from you.”

15.03.09, I embarked on a whole new journey. I can’t see too far into the future, but I know it will not be different than the one I’m already on now. It will still be filled with ups and downs, trials and temptations ahead. But I guess, I’m a little bit more well-equipped.

Because as of 15.03.09, I’ve been baptized in the name of the Holy Spirit.


Author’s Note: I know I rarely write about my spiritual journey except in the church blog, but yesterday was too good a day to be forgotten.  It’s a love story in its own right.

Oh, and below was the song that was being sung right before the baptism.  I couldn’t stop humming the song all day today!

Times of refreshing,
Here in Your presence.
There’s no greater blessing,
Than being with You.

My soul is restored,
My mind is renewed.
There’s no greater joy Lord,
Than being with You.

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”
2 Corinthians 4:17, NIV


8 Responses to 15.03.09

  1. Christon says:

    Congratulations. =)

  2. mousie says:

    *Squeezeee* wish i were there.

    i love that song too 🙂

  3. javier says:

    k nc.agp’v2th3x’r7ls0dshxena inu

    Amen~ 😀

  4. Maya says:

    Hey girl — Congrats on taking your spiritual journey on step further. No matter what religion you are, when you accept it, you will know in your heart. It’s like coming home.

  5. AMEN!!!

    I was sitting in class reading this blog, and it brought me to tears. (I’m still sitting in class, and I’m still trying not to let that little tear in my left eye trickle down my cheek) That is so exciting and so incredibly amazing.

    “Victory is in my hands.”



  6. vern's mommy says:

    We are very happy for you.

  7. ilene ong says:

    Vern, along with your mum, I would like to share the joy with you too. Praise the Lord.

    P/s: So, who cried the most – you or mum? hahahaha 🙂

  8. kookymonsta says:

    Chrise, thanks. 🙂

    Mousie, wish you were there too. 😀 I’m still humming that song!!!

    Jave, lol. Amen! 😛

    Krista, thanks dear. 🙂

    Joelle, haha! *hands some tissue* He’s just very spontaneous, don’t you think? 😉

    Mom, thanks. 🙂

    Ilene, haha, I wouldn’t know. My parents weren’t there that day, but I do hope they will be during my water baptism! 😀

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