Forgive Me, For I Have Sinned


In response to Ilene’s comment in the previous post, indeed the Kookymonsta has received endless pampering since she got home.  Mom’s so-called ‘failed experiment’ has been nothing but a ‘melts in your mouth, not in your hands’, delicious, mouth-watering chocolate mudcake.  OK, so the top looks all cracked up like how dry cracked mud would look like, but let not the looks deceive you.  It’s the best part of the cake.  I couldn’t stop nibbling them off bit by bit just to taste its crunchiness that turns into a rich texture while being chewed.

And I’ve been sleeping at the oddest hours, for the longest hours.  As if I’m suffering jetlag from a place that is only a 2-hour drive away.

To make me look worse, my dad has just returned from Mt Everest.  Yes, the Everest.  He didn’t go all the way to the peak, but he did reach the base camp, which mind you, takes several more mountains to get there.  My mom said he came home with only skin and bones, and while it was definitely one of his greatest accomplishments, my dad swore never to go back there again.  At the age of 50 plus, my dad’s the fittest member of the family.  Since he doesn’t keep a blog or a journal about his journeys, I just want to boast a little bit on his behalf.  He has climbed Mt Kinabalu, The Pinnacles at Mulu, The Volcano Mountains in Indonesia, and probably every mountain/hill you can possibly imagine in the country.

My brother followed my dad for a short hike yesterday evening, and I could only guess he let his old man outshine him.  Big time.

Which is why I didn’t follow.  Waha.

Here’s a photo of my pa at Nepal, with a few of the many mountains behind him.  That wasn’t Everest – he didn’t get shots when he was up there because the battery of his camera froze due to the extreme weather.


My brother and I have been telling our friends about our dad’s adventure as if it were our own, only because we’re really proud of him.  And we don’t have such extreme stories to share about ourselves anyway.  And for once, I have really cool desktop wallpapers of the icy landscapes of the mountains that is NOT taken from National Geographic or any other photography websites.

Oh yes, in case you haven’t noticed, this is a new theme for the site.  I’ve been working and tweaking it for awhile now, but couldn’t upload it due to bad internet at campus and my version of WordPress was outdated.  And finally, I’ve got around to it.  I know most of us are complaining that Streamyx is slow, but when you’ve gone through the internet back in my campus, you’ll appreciate Streamyx for what it is.

And so you can see, I’ve been overindulging, neglecting my fitness level until my parents are overtaking mine.

I. must. repent.

It’s time to hit the big park outside my house.



15.03.09: Before.

“It’s your turn.”

That phrase was echoed over and over in my little crowded mind like a hamster on a running wheel. My stomach was doing back flips, and my heart felt compelled to do the same. I looked around and saw hopeful faces and occasionally I felt a pat on my shoulders.

Wait a minute. What was this fear that I’m feeling?

Suddenly, that single phrase morphed into a series of questions. What if it’s not real? What if it was just another elaborated story? What if what I thought was fiction, is really fiction after all? What kind of a lost fantasy have I gotten myself into? What if things don’t work out?

I felt nauseous. I needed reassurance. I spoke to a close friend, and asked as much as I possibly could without revealing my true intentions.

And then, like a surge of electricity, I found myself walking down memory lane. The times when things were good, the times when things have always worked out – from the years before to just a few hours ago. I came back to the present and was staring at my own two feet.

I must be crazy to be afraid. I’ve always wanted this for so long. Years. And now I’m getting cold feet? Is this how marriage feels like? Not the walking down the aisle part, but the thought of lifelong commitment would scare any normal person away.

But I’m in love. A love that is too real to be ignored.

And that should be enough.

I stepped forward.


15.03.09: During.

Have you ever closed your eyes, just to see a dark void in front of you? When there’s no Imagination running through, nor thoughts, or dreams and memories. Or even a face.

I have.

And that was what I saw too, at first. I reached out my hands, hoping that I might feel or touch something, someone. I kept searching and searching. I was afraid this would happen.

But it wasn’t surprising, really. Being the broken person that I am, the screwed up things I’ve said and done, I was bound to be searching in darkness. Heck, I might even have to be on my knees and beg for just a glimmer of spark. I heard myself utter a few sentences that my ego and pride have been trying to refrain me from saying.

“I’m sorry. I love you. And I want you.”

Silence. I knew it was absolutely noisy outside, but all I heard at that moment was silence.

Like a fade-in postcard, I saw a garden. It looked like any ordinary garden that would fascinate no one including me, but I felt something. A tinge of warmth, and heavy load being lifted off my shoulders.

And then I saw it.

This is where I’m at a lost to describe something in words. But imagine a ball of soft light. It radiates nothing else but joy. And it kept coming closer and closer to me.

I didn’t have to reach it. It just settled in my hand, as though it has finally come home.

I heard a voice. It’s saying something I don’t quite understand. But it was a familiar language. It’s as though I’ve heard it before, and though I couldn’t match each syllable with the vocabulary I know, I knew the underlying intentions beneath the mumbles.

I felt someone leaning close to me, and as strange as it was, I thought I felt vigorous nods from that person. And then I heard someone said, “Oh my goodness, I feel like crying now.”

It was then I realize that the person who was speaking the foreign language was me.


15.03.09: After.



A conflict of emotions, I felt an odd sense of overwhelming happiness, yet at the same time, so unworthy of such blessing. I doubted and questioned. And now I’ve been given the Truth – right to the very bottom of my soul.

No one owed me an explanation.

No one owed me Love.

No one owed me the Truth.

But because I asked, I was given.

And that was enough to bring me to tears.

I think I now know how the prodigal son felt the day he returned home.

Someone handed me a tissue, or two. I opened my eyes and saw smiles on the face of my loved ones. And then one of them shouted, “GROUP HUG!!” I was being suffocated and sandwiched in the midst of loving arms, as though I’ve just won something.

Wait. I did. Victory is in my hands.

I lost the number of times I said “Thank you”, and I was rather amused at how happy the people around me were. They’ve gone through what I did, maybe in a different way, but they understood that joy. I could see it in their faces. They were a reflection of mine.

Just as what one of them told me, “I could sense joy the moment I touched you. It came from you.”

15.03.09, I embarked on a whole new journey. I can’t see too far into the future, but I know it will not be different than the one I’m already on now. It will still be filled with ups and downs, trials and temptations ahead. But I guess, I’m a little bit more well-equipped.

Because as of 15.03.09, I’ve been baptized in the name of the Holy Spirit.


Author’s Note: I know I rarely write about my spiritual journey except in the church blog, but yesterday was too good a day to be forgotten.  It’s a love story in its own right.

Oh, and below was the song that was being sung right before the baptism.  I couldn’t stop humming the song all day today!

Times of refreshing,
Here in Your presence.
There’s no greater blessing,
Than being with You.

My soul is restored,
My mind is renewed.
There’s no greater joy Lord,
Than being with You.

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”
2 Corinthians 4:17, NIV

Rested, Yet Restless.

Her name is Tina.

“So, who are your youngest clients?” I asked, trying to strike up a conversation to ease the awkward moment.

“I’ve had clients who are around 17 years old who come.  The youngest so far is a 16-year old.”

And I thought I was waaay too young to be doing this.  The palms of her hands were really smooth, probably a result of years of experience.  Next thing I knew, she was pressing my forehead down, as though trying to sink my head into the pillow.  She turned on some electrical thing, with a faint buzzing sound, but I couldn’t see because it was dark and yes, my eyes were shut tight.  I could only pray it doesn’t do any damage.

Then, I felt a bright light hovering over me and when I opened my eyes to take a peek, I thought I was blinded.  I wonder if that’s how seeing God is like.  Tina started pressing really hard on my nose, squeezing it as if it was some kind of Play-Doh, before proceeding to the bottom of my chin and random areas of my face.

“You don’t sound like you’re local,” she asked after a long breach of silence, as my nose silently pleaded for mercy.  Turning off the light, she continued, “When you spoke English with your mom you had a very nice accent, not the fake types, but the genuine kind – like you’ve lived in overseas before.”

Thinking how to answer all that in Hokkien (our conversations are in Hokkien, by the way), I replied under the pressure of her fingertips, “That’s how I speak normally, I don’t know where that accent came from.  It’s been there since I was young.  People call me a banana because I’m poor in Chinese.”

“Oh?  So you’re pure Chinese?  Your mom and dad are locals?  I see!  And you don’t look Malaysian, more Eurasian.  And you definitely don’t look 20, I thought you were waiting for your SPM results!”

It was hard for me to smile so I just let out a chuckle.  Next she put a cloth over my face and started applying some kind of goo.  She muttered something like “mask” and so I laid still.  Mom came in not long after and they both started talking as if I wasn’t there.  You know, those “About my daughter” talks.

She started applying some massage oil on me and …


Holy crap!!  Was that my finger???  My left thumb laid there lifeless as my other fingers went through the torment.  I could not frown nor open my mouth to say a thing because there’s a frigging cloth and mask over my face!!!  I felt like a tortured paralyzed person while my right arm awaited in fear.


My hands went numb.  And for awhile I doubted if they were still attached to me.

She proceeded to my shoulders and commented, “My my, you’re so tensed!  So stressed!  You need to loosen up!”

Yeah do the same thing to my shoulders as you did to my fingers and I’ll so loosen up.  Detached too.

Once the mask was taken off and my face was slathered with a few more layers of something-that-I-don’t-know, I was ready to go.  Strangely, despite thinking I was going to be killed right there and then, I felt good.  Like you know, more loosened up.

Thanked Tina, made payment, and left.

And that, was Kooky’s first facial treatment.  Wow.

Move To Inspire

StepsThe many other things I was busy about during my holidays.

How much do you know about HIV/AIDS without Googling, really?  We did candid interviews with some people and their answers were more often more amusing than informative.  We talk about stopping AIDS and stuff but if we don’t know what it really is, how can we fight it?

Let me present to you:  Steps: Move to Inspire.*

My brother’s company project, Steps is a campaign that aims to push back HIV/AIDS via dance and music.  It’s a really cool project, because it involves a huge group of young people.

Let me give you a brief description on what Steps is all about.

Steps is a campaign that will go on a nationwide tour starting this March.  Steps Ambassadors comprising of local celebrities to your ordinary teen next door will be going to schools and learning institutions to look for HIV Champions.  HIV Champions are students who have undergone training and are fully educated about HIV/AIDS.

And then it gets cooler.  The HIV Champions will then learn the Champions Drill from our choreographer Cecilia Yong (Winner of reality TV Show “So You Think You Can Dance?” accompanied by the Steps Anthem (an originally produced piece by Transient Vortex) and just a few days before World Aids Day this year, all the HIV Champions from all over the country will break into the Champions Drill at the same time, same day, from 12 different states through a LIVE broadcast.

And they’re moving for a purpose.  They’re moving to inspire with their message, “Lead This Change, Stop Aids.”  Which brings us to the Steps Official Song by local songstress Juwita Suwito with her own composition, “Leading Change”.

We did an official launch recently at Pavilion KL on the 26th of December and that was ONLY the sneak peak.  The Steps team will be up and running with various events from now on so stay tuned, spread the word and help us lead this change!  Stop AIDS!

For more information, please visit:

*Designed by The Kooky Jar

A Happy Place

“We’re folding paper planes?”

“Yup.  Start with the yellow ones.”

“That’s gonna be a lot of work.”

“It’s gonna be worth it.”


One of the many things I’ve been busy about during the holidays was setting up a booth for a company called Out of The Box.  In case you haven’t heard of them before, this company sends students for work & travel programs all across the USA.  As much as I was interested in joining their program and hoping they might sponsor me a trip, brainstorming was fun.  The budget was tight, but that made it better because that means we had to literally think out of the box to get their money worth.

I browsed websites for ideas and such, in the end I gave up and started asking myself, “What would I want to see?  What would I want to know?”

I wanted to know that people have gone for this program before and they came back in one piece.  I wanted to know how to convince my parents to let me go.  I wanted to see those beautiful places.  I wanted to know how working in the USA is like, if there was discrimination, etc.

Out of The Box had all those answers.  It was my job to tell them.

So I printed buntings, flyers, photos, stories, all the real things that people want to know.  Stuck them up on open boxes messily, an order only youths would understand.  Let’s use boxes, I say.  And I wanted it to be happy.

So I folded paper planes.



I do sometimes wonder if my client thinks I’m crazy.

Then again, the answer was obvious anyway.



I wiped my hands against my the side of my pants before receiving the final cheque.  But my eyes weren’t focused on the digits.  They were focused on my client’s face.  I think it was good.


“Thanks, it was fun while it lasted.”

GOssip Madness

That night – 26th of September – GOssip KL rocked Asia Cafe, Subang Jaya.  Pumped with adreneline (and nervousness, coffee, and all kinds of legal stuff), we were running around like Energizer bunnies.  I was part of the Stage Managing side, so I didn’t really get to snap much photos except towards the end.  But here are what I have, and I’ll let them photos do the talking.


Everyone was ‘pimped’ with cool GOssip stickers.


Juwita Suwito, is one really nice person.  And she sounded just as good, if not better, live.


He was an 8TV Host for one of the Chinese segments, and he sang quite well that night too.  A lot of female fans went gaga when he was performing.


OMG.  OBS.  Oh My Gawd. One Buck Short.




Bittersweet were the ending performance.



Let me introduce to you Denise Chan.  She’s 16, and she emceed with Pietro from  If I could sum her up with three words, they would be:  brave, mature, awesome.  And someday, the world is going to know her.  Beneath that pretty face is a fighter on her path to victory.  Keep it up, Denise.


Free to Fall is a Christian rock band from Klang.  I’ve heard of their stuff online, but they really rocked the house with their opening act for the night.  After the street party I couldn’t help but search for them high and low just to get a photo with them.  Star struck?  Maybe.  Impressed?  DEFINITELY.  And they’re unbelievably good-looking too.  I actually think that the drummer (the one in brown shirt) was really hot cute with her energy and fiest on stage.

Other artists including Suki, finalists from So You Think You Can Dance, Ayu, Army of Three, and a lot more (about 20 of them) were there that night, and it was just amazing.  The entire event was just like the backdrop, a complete picture pieced together by 9 different graffiti pieces.


That’s right.  9 different pieces put together.  An idea by us (Ning Li, by the way, is my creative partner-in-crime and Kooky Partner), and we couldn’t help but emo a bit when the whole thing ended.  It has been great pleasure just cracking brains with her, and am really looking forward to our future projects.


And last but not least, the core team that has worked friggin’ hard to bring this event alive.

We’ll see you in Penang, this December.

Project GOssip

“I’ve got something to tell you.”

It’s normal.  You’ve got the latest news in town and you want to share it with the world, doesn’t matter if it’s true or not.  Gossiping has been such a popular trend (and a favourite past time for many) that there is even a TV series about it!

But how many times have you heard of gossip with good intentions?

I’m about to tell you one.

Summersands Production and the Rotaract Club of Taylor’s College in Subang Jaya have collaborated to spread the biggest gossip in town.  Introducing…


Project Gossip is the absolute girl-power event of the year, or perhaps, ever.  Broken down to three parts, Go Away – a campaign to stop violence against women, Go Safe – a reminder of how important safe sex is, and Go Celebrate – a huge celebration of the role of women in the society thus far.  Artists like Jason Lo, Hannah Tan, Suki and many more home-grown bands are going to be a part of this huge event!

And as The Kooky Jar’s first project, we are the official merchandiser!!  I have submitted my t-shirt designs, but have yet to finalize them, and the targetted charity organization.  As a matter of fact, the closer I get to deadline the more ideas are coming to my head!  Anyway, the moment I’ve finalized my designs I’ll definitely put them up here so you kind folks can place your orders.  Haha!  No pressure ok? 😀

To read more about the event, visit their official blog HERE. Guess who designed it.  😉

Have a great weekend, folks.

P/S: There might be a thing on two about this on TV, check out Latte@8 on 8tv, 11pm this Friday night.  You might be in for a treat!  🙂